Why?

Why am I so emotionally attached to you? Why every single little thing you do will affect me so much? Why didnt I leave earlier? Why didnt I listen? Everyday these questions pop out in my head and It's killing me. Emotionally and Physically. I've never felt this way. Why? Why am I feeling like I've been fucked over by life. Over and over again.

My best friend told me, "If you love her, you wouldnt be scared if your efforts are wasted because you love her and shouldnt expect anything back in return" I dont know, I'm not expecting anything, but its still killing me everyday. How do 1 deal with such emotions?

I've promised to go back to the old me, to the friend you can laugh everyday with. I'm trying, I've been trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. But everyday when I'm alone these questions and thoughts pop up in my head. And literally kills me.

I've been living in regret, since last month. Everyday I tell myself that if I wasnt so stupid, things would have turned out better for me. I wouldve been better. I have no one to blame but myself for being so faithful, and stupid.

Thinking of what could be, and what is actually happening sucks big time. I cry myself to sleep everyday, I get worried, paranoid. Sigh, its very painful. I can safely say that I never loved someone so hard in my life before, everybody can see that.

I'm finally pouring my heart out, pouring out my worries and paranoia. Everything hasnt been going well for me. Relationships, job, life, family. Sometimes I just question my existence.

I dont know when, this will eventually take a toll on me, and break down. Soon I guess?

You became my world. Days with you are golden. Filled with laughter and joy. Getting to see you wear that smile every single moment really makes everything worthwhile. Days without you are dark, gloomy. Patiently waiting for texts, worrying. Ahhhhhh, I cant take it sometimes.

We didn’t make it, we almost did, almost, and that’s the worst thing in life, isn’t it? To have almost been, to have almost made it.

"I never believed in myself or that I was ever enough for anyone, then she came along and built me up to be so much more than I ever was. She pushed me to the edge only to make me realise that it’s okay to fall. I had hope that we could be, that we were much bigger than the trials ahead of us."

Now, I only can hope for the best. And no matter how I feel, I still want to put your happiness in front of mine. Because seeing you get hurt would hurt more than any of this.

Feels so much better pouring everything out, hopefully things will get better in the future. Hopefully I can learn to deal with my emotions better. I wish and hope that will be the case.

J.